River Parks Criterium
criteriums

River Parks Criterium

Sunday - June 8, 2014 - Riverview Historic District

River Parks Criterium

RACE BIBLE
Length
75 minutes
Start Time
4:35 PM
Cash Purse
$15,000 (25 Entries)
Entry Fee
$55
IA Brief List of Things You Should Know About the Events, Conditions and Observations Leading up to and Throughout the Race/Day
  1. Thunderstorms were predicted. Rain happened earlier in the day but by the time the Men’s Pro Race started the roads were dry and the skies were clear(ish).
  2. Team MFS (Daniel and Keiran) ate breakfast at the First Watch across the street from Oral Roberts University. The wait wasn’t too long and the service was great. The food was exactly what it was supposed to be—Perkins or Pancake House X Souplantation—and the post Sunday Service scene was spectacular to behold. Speaking of Sunday Service,
  3. ORU was founded by Oral Roberts in 1965 “as a result of the evangelist Oral Roberts’ obeying God’s mandate to build a university on God’s and the Holy Spirit’s authority. God’s commission to Oral Roberts was to ‘Raise up your students to hear My voice, to go where My light is dim, where My voice is heard small, and My healing power is not known, even to the uttermost bounds of the earth. Their work will exceed yours, and in this I am well pleased’.” 
Oral Roberts University
7777 S Lewis Ave, Tulsa, OK 74171
01 Golden Eagles, ORU!
None defeats the GOLD and BLUE!
02 Victory is just in sight,
So come on Eagles
03 FIGHT, FIGHT, FIGHT!
04 Golden Eagles, ORU!
None defeats the GOLD and BLUE!
05 Shout it louder,
06 Scream it prouder
07 O-R-U!
  1. The mighty Arkansas is NOT doing so hot. You can walk across it, in casual footwear, that you care about.
  2. The “American Obesity Epidemic” NPR as well as various other LNM (Liberal New Media, #duh) outlets are constantly reporting about can be witnessed first-hand style throughout the state of Oklahoma. It doesn’t matter where you are, just go outside and stand around for a minute. It is in fact, remarkable.
  3. Humidity in Oklahoma defies science and math.
  4. Tulsa, Oklahoma is rad. I’m talking to you Austin, Portland, Asheville, Boise, Ashland, Brooklyn, Lincoln, Chattanooga. Tulsa is coming up.
  5. Apparently Tulsa, Oklahoma was bombed during World War II as that’s the only reasonable explanation for the state of the roads in downtown Tulsa—bunny hops and ollies are necessary, real-world lifesaving skills/requirements.
  6. Today’s “criterium” race is ALL about Cry Baby Hill. All you need to know about Cry Baby Hill is this: 1) It’s the crux of the race because it’s a hill, in a crit. And it’s moderately steep, though short. And it’s followed by a roller into another hill, also short but you know, it’s the second hill in a crit so…which is followed by a sharp, right-hand, off-camber turn (#gnargnar); and 2) Every single Alternative or Alternative-curious man, woman and child—regardless of age, color, religious persuasion, sexual orientation, etc.—living/visiting/existing within 750 miles of Tulsa, Oklahoma is on that hill during that race, and 1000% without exception, is P A R T Y I N G  I T  U P. Like big time. Like with alcohol, a bona fide DJ, nudity, dancing, drugs, Super Soakers, etc. Oh, and a bike race, too. Let’s just say it out loud, we’re all thinking it, “At least one person got Pregnant at Day #3 of Tulsa Tough 2014.”
  7. I would never, ever, ever, under normal circumstances, use the expression Let Your Freak Flag Fly, for all the obvious reasons, of which there are many (i.e. I’m not currently, as I write this, wearing suede pants and an American flag sewn into a boat neck halter top, and it’s not 1977, and I don’t want a ride on the Mother Ship—actually, if I could walk around the Mother Ship, maybe kick the tires, take a glance a the manifest, get a breakdown regarding the itinerary, get a look at where I’d sleep and who I’d get to/have to sleep with, I might be into a ride on the Mother Ship, but that’s not important right now), but on this occasion, when describing the scene on Cry Baby Hill, it’s (the expression is) so overwhelmingly accurate its unavoidable.
  8. It’s a lot like what I’d imagine Woodstock would be like if it was 1/1000th the size, held behind an apartment complex in the suburbs of Tulsa next to a nearly dry and potentially magnificent river, and more about an athletic event and less about floppy, muddy boobs and freedom and bad music. That’s not to say that there was an absence of floppy, muddy boobs or freedom on Cry Baby Hill, because theeeeeere waaassssssssn’t. Side Note: The music on Cry Baby Hill was 1000 times better than the music at Woodstock, #donthate it’s just my opinion, #jamhands not #jambands.
  9. Sadly, there comes a time when a crowd and/or a scene gains consciousness and self awareness. When suddenly the crowd knows, collectively, it’s a spectacle to be consumed and photographed and loved. Typically when that happens, we’re out.
  10. Regarding the scene on Cry Baby Hill however, you get a pass. Here’s why: Oklahoma is still, 1000 years later, so scared of self-expression and sexuality and like, penises and stuff, that it’s embarrassing for all of America. So yeah, I guess keep getting aggressively and flamboyantly weird in public on a Sunday at a bike race. Next up, ukuleles, tall bikes and food carts! #keepportlandweird
  11. Manual for Speed Policy #2: If you want your photograph taken, we’re not taking it. We apologize if you, the reader, find this policy to be offensive and/or combative or distasteful or similar. It’s not you, it’s us.
  12. In case you are wondering, Manual for Speed Policy #1 is Don’t Smile at the Camera.
  13. There are exceptions to both Policies—please see below.
IIPre-Cry Baby Hill
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A Google search for "awesome denim tops" generates 2,860,000 results. Side note: These two women are the official Tulsa Tough Podium Gals.
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IIICry Baby Hill
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Foot Locker employees are paid up to $10 an hour, depending on the store's location.
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#chilllers
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"I really like her necklace."
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Prince Rogers Nelson (aka Prince) is 5'2". Side note: I don't get this joke!??!?!
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Hey Frodo, did I miss second Breakfast!??!
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This dude, his t-shirt, is siiiiic.
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Budweiser /bʌdˈwaɪzər/ is a pale lager, which is made of 30% white rice. #tendermoment
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One of these dudes just got popped.
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Manual For Speed first met the Human Athlete Cyclist currently on the ground, two years ago in the town of Tulua in Colombia. We like him, he's a good dude.
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FTR, he would go on to safely completel the race.
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This guy may or may not have been attending Cry Baby Hill as this photograph was taken several hundred feet from the course.
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The "bulge and crotch watching" video playlist on YouTube has 171 videos.
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A Google search for "Melissa Joan Hart lookalike" generated 46,900 results in 0.49 seconds.
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This dude on the was PUMPED & JAZZED (P&Jed) about Manual For Speed. Dear Dude On The Right, thanks man, we really appreciate the positive feedback.
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A lap dance—not sure who's the top and who's the bottom. #doesitmatter
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#oakleyheritage
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Foot Locker employees can request an EDC (Employee Discount Card) through the company's website. The discount is not good for use at Eastbay or CCS, subsidiaries of Foot Locker.
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In spite of what you see in this photograph, this dude was next level coherent and articulate.
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We spoke for several very pleasant minutes about Manual for Speed and Candyflipping.
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Dear Dude, send me that literal/actual sweatshirt so that we can sell it on Manual for Speed as a talisman, and I'll send you a hat and some sticker and like, I don't know, some bib shorts.
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IVA Typology of Garbage Found on Cry Baby Hill
Clean Up, Clean Up
Everybody do your share!
01 fig. one
02 fig. two
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