Cross races, the big, important ones happen on The Seventh Day, the same The Seventh Day that the monotheistic big three have traditionally kept as a day of rest—and you have got to respect it! At times this big old capitalist machine that we are riding on demands that instead of using our day of rest for contemplation, we go out with our image recording devices, shades, and our FlyKnits and capture the rude and often blasphemous antics of cycling festivals. But when push comes to shove, MFS will always choose to honor rest.
Texas is known for big things, big hats, big belt buckles, big horns on the front of big convertible Cadillacs and big FAITH. Taking into account the degree of faith in this venerable state, it is obvious to our experts here at the MFS Center for Research in cooperation with our research associates from the Center for New American Featly, that the shutdown of last weekend’s race wasn’t about a few roots from a couple old trees being exposed. These tree roots have been around for decades, even centuries. These are roots that have survived Comanches, Texas Rangers, and hordes of Stevie Ray Vaughn fans. One could say that these roots are at the root of keeping Austin Weird. Roots this formidable repel cycling intruders like an NRA placard in a front lawn repels thieves, that is to say these roots aren’t going nowhere. “On Sunday the cross belongs to Jesus not bikes!”Something else is going on, and these roots were the patsies; pawns in the employ of a higher order. Is the debatable well-being of a few roots reason enough to completely shut down a highly touted, well attended, and much beloved national cycling festival tournament? Rumors about the festival’s shut down were rampant and the crowd was buzzing with speculation.
- “I heard that the CIA is involved, something to do with oil prices and alternative transportation.”
- “I will lay down in the cold mud and let someone whip me with an 11spd chain if it will help to get this race started.”
- “My dad’s brother’s work-friend’s daughter said that this morning she went to Sunday school and their rec. pool was filled with blood.”
- “Oh shit! Is that John Watson?”
Science tells us something deeper and more fundamental caused the unscheduled shutdown of Sunday’s spectacle finale. A quick internet survey discloses answers that quickly lead us to the truth. Texas has over 6.5 million evangelical churches—that is a lot of faith—and this number indicates an overwhelming amount of fervent believers in the true meaning of The Seventh Day rest. Is it not reasonable to believe that Sunday’s shut down wasn’t simply an act of nature but an act of GOD? That these torrential rains weren’t caused by some butterfly in Papua New Guinea flapping when it should have fluttered, but by a higher power, a cosmic will?
With the festival cancelled, attendees became de facto supplicants, would-be acolytes, unaware that a graceful hand was guiding them towards the one, true Cross. Faith now had a captured audience; racers and their support people, industry insiders, media, and fans from across the country were in town with nothing but time on their hands and resting to do. They would now be able to use Sunday, The Seventh Day, as it was originally intended, as a day of rest and relaxation. With so many places of worship beckoning to the lost with open arms, it is without a doubt that there were a great number of racers who found themselves competing on Monday for a higher sponsor.
Think about it, just as it was with Noah and his ark, the rains came down, and just like they did for Noah, the rains cleansed away all the non-believers, knaves and naysayers who were not committed to the true Cross. These apostates, agnostics, and atheists were washed away, forced to climb aboard their sky chariots and mount their horseless carriages, and answer to the false prophets of email, shop hours, and deadlines. Only the true believers were left, those who put down their false Cross were repaid with the opportunity to line up on Monday morning and race for a glory that was not their own, in a state of grace, over roots that would not be harmed.