2015 Tour de France: Stage 11
road-racing

2015 Tour de France: Stage 11

Wednesday - July 15, 2015 - Pau

OMFG this race has been so basic until today. Today felt exceptional. Today it felt like the Tour De France started.

TABLE OF CONTENTS MFS TEAM
Layer_9
Daniel Wakefield Pasley
Owner/Operator, Photographer, Writer and Publisher
Layer_5
Emiliano Granado
Owner/Operator, Photographer and Photo Editor
RACE BIBLE
START

Pau

FINISH

Cauterets

DISTANCE

188 km

KOMS

Côte de Loucrup, 48.5 km (2 km @ 7%, Cat 3); Côte de Bagnères-de-Bigorre, 61.5 km (1.4 km @ 6.1%, Cat 4); Côte de Mauvezin, 74.5 km (2.7 km @ 6%, Cat 3); Col d’Aspin, 117 km (12 km @ 6.5%, Cat 1); Col du Tourmalet, 147 km (17.1 km @ 7.3%, HC), Côte de Cauterets, 184.5 km (6.4 km @ 5%, Cat 3)

SPRINTS

Pouzac, 56.5 km

WINNING TIME

5:02:01

TOP 3 FINISHERS
  1. Rafal Majka (5:02:01)
  2. Daniel Martin (+0:01:00)
  3. Emanuel Buchmann (+0:01:23)
TOP 3 GC STANDINGS
  1. Christopher Froome (41:03:31)
  2. Tejay Van Garderen (+0:02:52)
  3. Nairo Quintana (+0:03:09)
COURSE DESCRIPTION [OFFICIAL]

Quelle journée! L’étape d’aujourd’hui propose le genre de belles routes et de magnifiques montagnes du Tour de France est célèbre pour. Et aussi, un village peuplé de poupées raggedy ann grandeur nature posé dans toute la ville dans les différents tableaux vivants domestiques comme mère et fille à l’arrêt de bus, père et fils traire une vache, jeune prostituée en souriant d’un balcon au-dessus, etc.

MANUAL FOR SPEED BIBLE
TIME OF FILING

2:35 AM

ACCOMMODATION

Château d’Orleix round three. Sadly our last.

WIFI DETAILS
Again, 100% satisfaction. Youtube. Downloads. Uploads. Facetime. All of it.
WEATHER
Emiliano is radioactive. He is glowing. On the way to dinner we parked in the underground garage under the Tarbes city center, which, wait, why don't we do this in America? Building a parking garage underneath the town square/plaza makes so much practical-, convenience- and spatial-based sense. Oh wait, I know why. We don't have town squares/plazas, we have Jantzen Beaches and Bridgeport Village Malls. Anyway, in the darkness of the parking garage (where for the second day in a row the soundtrack to Clockwork Orange was playing on the PA system) Emiliano was “giving off” light. I pointed it out to him. I said dude, you’re like pulsing and emanating light and shit, like, are you on a phosphorescent algae diet maybe? He said, weeeeeelllll, before you go any further you should know that it looks like whatever I ate, you ate. Point is neither of us ate anything, we just got Tourmalized hard. What does that mean? It means we spent most of an afternoon on what is effectively a summertime Alp in Western Australia.
NUMBER OF STEPS

13,735 steps or 6.7 miles

TODAY'S OBJECTIVES
  1. Find Breakfast. ✓
  2. Find Coffee. ✓
  3. Make it onto the Tourmalet. ✓
  4. Photograph the Tourmalet. ✓
  5. Have a nice dinner. X
COURSE DESCRIPTION [UNOFFICIAL]

What a day! Today’s stage features the kind of beautiful roads and stunning mountains the Tour de France is famous for. And also a village populated by life-sized Raggedy Ann dolls posed throughout town in various domestic tableaus like mother and daughter at the bus stop, father and son milking a cow, young strumpet smiling from a balcony above, etc.

TODAY'S OBSERVATION #1

The counters at some French McDonald’s look like exactly Mac Store Genius Bars. While we’re on the subject, I think it’s insane to schedule customer service meetings. For example, I recently had to return a faulty Mophie battery case for my iPhone 5S at my local AT&T store, the same store where I purchased the faulty Mophie battery case for my iPhone 5S in the first place. I had the receipt and I was well within the warranty coverage period. I thought it would be a five minute procedure at most and it was, but first I had to make an appointment and wait for thirty-five minutes. At this point French McDonald’s emote better feelings than Apple and AT&T. I have a higher opinion of the Chicken McNugget than of my cell phone.

TODAY'S OBSERVATION #2

After decorating our vehicle with two substantially larger heart magnets, the details of which, evidently, can be made out from forty-plus yards, it’s not uncommon for spectators to throw-up Heart Hands as we pass by. Manual for Speed has become a symbol for capital-L Love. We are now Love’s champion, and heralder. We are cheerleading for Love!

TODAY'S OBSERVATION #3

There are so many Castles in France it’s not uncommon to see faceless, nameless, statureless castles next to the side of the road. In America any one of these disgraced Castles would be the oldest building in the country. And as such it would be registered as an Historical Monument and subsequently restored to its former glory. Here, at best these “side castles” fall into neglect, disrepair and obscurity and at worst they become Discoteques.

TODAY'S OBSERVATION #4

Are we the parade or are they the parade? Shit.

TODAY'S OBSERVATION #5

The FSL or Free Shit Lean is common among spectators on the climbing strategies. Typically it’s not aggressive or threatening, it’s simply a way of non-verbally signaling interest in drive-by free shit. Drive-by free shit is distributed several different ways. Here is a short list of the most common methods employed by Publicity Caravan Professionals: throw, hand, eject, fire, toss, push, ejaculate, kick and lob.

MEAL & FOOD REPORT
  1. Pocket Ham/PHACU. ✓
  2. Sample-sized package of Haribo candy thrown at us. X
  3. Pain Au Chocolat Count: 0
  4. Cans of Perrier consumed: 9
  5. Dinner Report: We ate at Bistro Regent Grill which literally translates to ‘Tarbes Sizzler’.
RETRACTIONS/CORRECTIONS/APOLOGIES

Yesterday Emiliano apologized to himself for drinking a soda because sodas are the devil. Today, in follow-up to that apology, Emiliano would also like to apologize to Nillie for drinking an Orangina out of a can because everybody knows they come in cute bottles. And in cute bottles is how one is meant to drink them.

Two more reasons Starbucksing McDonald’s makes all the sense:

  1. They sell bottles of Badoit, a semi-sparkling, nearly-executive water.
  2. The restrooms are MORE than clean enough to #2.
QUOTE OF THE DAY
"Pump it down!!!!!"
-Emiliano, in reference to what is for us, as well as everyone else driving the course, about 160 kilometers of ‘an expectation to wave, and beep, and honk, and make eye contact, and otherwise engage with wall-to-wall spectators’
"Petite dejiney is killing my Atkins diet"
-Emiliano in response to a ‘streak’ of predominantly bread- and carbohydrate-centric meals.
"Grandmas don't ride bikes on freeways in America."
-Daniel
"Grandmas don't ride bikes in America."
-Emiliano
IDear World
RACE REPORT

OMFG this race has been so basic until today. Today felt exceptional. Today it felt like the Tour De France started. I know it was supposed to start in the Netherlands on July 3rd but it didn’t. And yes, a lot of people are saying that it started (and ended) yesterday because of the  Froome  thing. But for us, for Manual for Speed it started today. Here are four reasons why:

 

  1. The course was scenic and visually stunning. THE MOUNTAINS!!!!!! There is still snow in the couloirs. The colors. The roads. The switchbacks. It was all so… Tour De France-ariffic.
  2. Climbs!; a 3, a 4, a 3, a 1, an HC and another 3.
  3. We saw it with our own eyes and cameras and that makes such a big difference.
  4. We parked 5 km from the top at a chalet and walked the rest of the way up, Hunting & Stalking. After the race came past we walked back down to the chalet. The way down was traumatic on account of the large volume and range of vehicles trying to IMMEDIATELY go both up and down the mountain on a narrow two lane road, and a goat path that followed the fall line. You got your basic and to be expected stuff like bikes and cars, you got scooters, motorized scooters, hang gliders, rollerblades, trekking poles, longboards, kiteboards, motorcycles, mopeds, trikes, ATVs, etc. All doing the mass exodus thing. By the time we made it back to the chalet parking lot, the way down was a solid mass of essentially parked cars. So we ate glace. Emiliano always gets vanilla, which is gross in France because they make it with too many eggs. I always get chocolate. Then we got in our car and sat in traffic for two hours until Campan, Hautes-Pyrénées. Every summer for three months the entire village of Camapan is decorated with Les Mounaques, which are basically life-sized Raggedy Ann dolls posed together to simulate various domestic tableaus, i.e., doing laundry, having dinner, milking cows, feeding dogs, looming yarn, washing dishes, painting fences etc. Yes, it’s creepy. Yes, it’s alarming. Yes, we thought of Chucky and Children of the Corn too. And yes, I’m going to do my best to explain WTF by way of cutting and pasting.

 

In the old days, When a man of the Valley of Campan married outside the “norm” (eg, a widower who married a girl), he was the subject of a “racket.” The uproar was a noisy manifestation of social discontent that struck those we wanted to flog. A Campan, this tradition is linked to the system of inheritance: the oldest child, girl or boy, inherited all the property of the parents: land, animals, house. Marriage The rules take into account: one does not marry an heir and heiress.The wish of every cadet was to “to come in-law” in a family by marrying the eldest. If considering an heiress to marry a boy from another village, if a widow or widower bent over head to marry a young, the villagers demanded a kind of compensatory tribute. If this tribute was not paid, it was pandemonium. Within a month before the wedding, every night, all young, cow bells around his neck, came to the din around the house of the bride. A couple of rag dolls, mounaques, was clinging to her house. They were supposed to represent the faults of brides and grooms. All this ended when the wedding day the bride and groom were passing under the torque mounaques and if young people were given a substantial sum to enable them to party. This custom of our traditional culture and People were brought up to date and of human size mounaques manufactured by volunteers adorn the streets, squares, laundries, balconies and galleries Campan houses during the summer months.

IIToday's Highs & Lows
HIGH POINTS
  • Listening to the French pronounce Dan Martin. Dan is a classy guy to start with, but when the French say his name he sounds like a movie star married to super model.

  • Halfway up the Tourmalet we passed by a group of friends and/or colleagues dressed as a CHP, a US army soldier, a construction worker, a Native American, and Leather Bar patron.

  • Hearing for the first time in Europe a horn designed to sound like a Cavalry Charge.

  • For the first time at the 2015 Tour de France, somebody recognized Manual for Speed. Thanks possibly-British-or-maybe-Scottish dude whoever you are!

  • While listening to Radio Fun we heard an advertisement for House of Cards Season Trois.

  • Phil Liggett wrote back to Manual for Speed. It would seem we have preliminary approval, we just need to work out the details such as when and where.

LOW POINTS
  • Widespread Gratuitous Tripoding. Dear Novice & Hobby Photographers, if it’s SUNNY and BLUE and MID-DAY, you don’t need a tripod. In those conditions it’s impossible to need a tripod unless your camera weighs like thirty pounds, which it doesn’t.

  • Halfway up the Tourmalet we passed by a group of friends and/or colleagues dressed as a CHP, a US army soldier, a construction worker, a Native American, and Leather Bar patron.

  • The quality of light in France.

IIIIf MFS Exists Next Year, Can We...
  1. …do a typology of Race Spectator Movements & Sounds with Madison?
  2. …commission Yves Baudy to produce a series of Racer Portraits?
  3. …launch the Manual for Speed Patron Saint Series of Candles and Water Bottles? Starting with, of course, the Patron Saint(s) of Wi-fi, Executive Waters, Rental Cars and Flash Batteries?
AN UNFAIR ADVANTAGE™

The SPECTATOR 5000

 

What if your high-tech, lightweight carbon fibre fully telescoping walking stick was also an aerodynamic, wind-resistant umbrella with an ergonomic handle and optional Selfie Stick attachment featuring 3 rotations and 2 knobs thus allowing you to shoot from any angle?11Disclaimer: today’s UA is purely theoretical. Please contact us if you are a capable product designer.

IVLearning French Phrases #8
AN EXPLORATION, A GLOSSARY, A CATALOG FOR FUTURE GENERATIONS

Aimez-vous twerk?22Can you twerk?

 

Pouvez-vous fixer mes freins?33Can you fix my brakes?

 

Puis-je garer ici pour cinq minutes? Bon peut-être sept, mais pas plus de dix minutes?44Can I park here for five minutes? Well maybe seven, but no more than ten minutes?

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VToday's Playlist
VIYves Baudry Solo Show
At Col du Tourmalet, One Day Only!
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VIICol du Tourmalet #chillin
Part I
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#kasualbaguette #kasuallykut
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SD or Snoopy Dogging is how spectators collect hats in a hands-free and “built-in” manner, while simultaneously protecting against harmful UV rays. SD = maximum sun protection and a hands-pocket-and-bag free carrying solution.
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VIIIMFS Presents: Tourmalet Typologies
Flags
Guys, if you ever go to the Tour de France, do NOT forget your flag(s). You will look like a total doofus.
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Naps
#chilleurs abounded, obvs.
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Recreational Vehicles
Your idea to rent an RV and follow Le Tour for a few weeks is not new, no.
FROM THE MANUAL FOR SPEED ARTIST RESIDENCY
Jerry Inscoe Kit
$99.99-149.99

Designed by Jerry Inscoe More information HERE. ACT FAST!!! We have a limited stock in Sm, Med, Lrg, and XL of this jersey available NOW, and we’ll ship your order immediately. Additional orders will be taken as a PRE-ORDER. Orders close on August 1st, 2015. Expected delivery is the end of October.

FROM THE MANUAL FOR SPEED ARTIST RESIDENCY
IXCol du Tourmalet #racing
Part II
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Three words: Jean. Shorts. Parade.
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2015 Tour de France: Stage 11 SHARE Facebook Twitter
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