2015 UCI Road Race World Championships
road-racing

2015 UCI Road Race World Championships

Sunday - September 27, 2015 - Richmond

Richmonders refer to the World Championship race as “The UCI.”

TABLE OF CONTENTS MFS TEAM
Layer_9
Daniel Wakefield Pasley
Owner/Operator, Photographer, Writer and Publisher
Layer_5
Emiliano Granado
Owner/Operator, Photographer and Photo Editor
Layer_3
Klaus Bellon
Staff Historian, Interviewer, Consultant, Captioner
RACE BIBLE
START

Richmond

FINISH

Richmond

DISTANCE

259.2 km

KOMS

n/a

SPRINTS

n/a

WINNING TIME

6:14:37

TOP 3 FINISHERS
  1. Peter Sagan (Slovakia, 6:14:37)
  2. Michael Matthews (Australia, +0:00:03)
  3. Ramunas Navardauskas (Lithuania, +0:00:03)
TOP 3 GC STANDINGS

n/a

COURSE DESCRIPTION [OFFICIAL]

The peloton heads west from Downtown Richmond, working their way onto Monument Avenue, a paver-lined, historic boulevard that’s been named one of the “10 Great Streets in America.” Racers will take a 180-degree turn at the Jefferson Davis monument and then maneuver through the Uptown district and Virginia Commonwealth University.

 

Halfway through the circuit, the race heads down into Shockoe Bottom before following the canal and passing Great Shiplock Park, the start of the Virginia Capital Trail. A sharp, off-camber turn at Rocketts Landing brings the riders to the narrow, twisty, cobbled 200-meter climb up to Libby Hill Park in the historic Church Hill neighborhood.

 

A quick descent, followed by three hard turns leads to a 100-meter-long climb up 23rd Street. Once atop this steep cobbled hill, riders descend into Shockoe Bottom. This leads them to the final 300-meter-long climb up Governor Street. At the top, riders face a 680-meter false flat to the finish.

MANUAL FOR SPEED BIBLE
TIME OF FILING

1:12 AM

ACCOMMODATION

We’re in room 717 of the Holiday Inn on Staples Mill Road. You know the one, there’s a meeting of the Local Liberian Association taking place in the Potomac Room on the ground floor in the lobby happening RIGHT NOW, it’s 8:55 PM. The Potomac Room has boardroom-style seating for twenty occupants, 12 foot ceilings and over 648 square feet of unnaturally lit space in which to party or whatever.

WIFI DETAILS
Sure, yeah, it’s pretty good or whatever. Side Note: Klaus claims that rather than choosing a hotel based on location and rate, he’d prefer to simply select accommodations based on an accurate comparison chart of wifi speeds, cost be damned
WEATHER
It was supposed to rain, it didn't rain. Under normal circumstances that would be a good thing but today it wasn't because we prepared. We wore pants and jackets and matching rubber Chuck Taylors. But it didn't rain, it just hotted, humided and clammed.
NUMBER OF STEPS

15,379 steps or 7.5 miles

TODAY'S OBJECTIVES

Get a second vest even if it means you have to apologize to Laura. ✓

COURSE DESCRIPTION [UNOFFICIAL]

Here’s the deal: because of the way (most) bike races are shaped they’re difficult to watch and/or get to, and as such they’re boring and anemically spectated. Let’s face it, the point-to-point model is not conducive to attendance and does not promote interest in the sport. That shape basically says fuck-it, we don’t need to encourage fans to physically body-watch the race, at the race. It says, you’ll get your costly eight second hologram of racing and you’ll like it. Get in your car, drive for hours, picnic in a ditch on the side of the road for six hours in sub-tropical summertime heat and humidity, wave like an asshole at dog-shaped cars covered in fur, collect ejaculated trinkets, wave earnestly at a helicopter, feel the whoosh, miss your guy because you’re standing on the wrong side of the road, and call it a day. But not this UCI, not Richmond. Richmond is a seventeen hour crit with at least eight distinctly interesting course features every lap. There’re some monuments. At least two, maybe three, hills. Cobbles to be gobbled and cobble goblins to do the cobble gobblin’. A music festival of a hillside. A three story trestle. A swamp. Downtown Richmond. And at least two Starbucks immediately proximal to the course. This course, this format, today, the whole thing, was genuinely engaging and at times bordered on captivating.

TODAY'S OBSERVATION #1

Today, there are/were a lot of Eritreans in Richmond.

TODAY'S OBSERVATION #2

n/a

TODAY'S OBSERVATION #3

n/a

TODAY'S OBSERVATION #4

n/a

TODAY'S OBSERVATION #5

n/a

MEAL & FOOD REPORT

Breakfast (6:45 AM)

 

  • Daniel: 16oz Mocha (2 pumps, no whip), 2 bacon gouda breakfast sandwiches, 20oz Americano.
  • Emiliano: 16oz White Emotional Mocha (2 pumps), 2 bacon gouda breakfast sandwiches.
  • Klaus: Green Machine, oatmeal with almonds, brown sugar and dried raisins.

 

Lunch (12:37 PM)

 

  • Daniel: 16oz coke, buffalo blu quesadilla from a cart under the freeway.
  • Emiliano: Chicken and rice bowl from a cart also under the freeway.
  • Klaus: Water, chocolate chip Clif Bar (unknown origins).

 

Dinner (8:16 PM, Chipotle, Klaus picked it up)

 

  • Emiliano: Chicken Bucket; black beans, white rice, cheese, tomato and corn.
  • Daniel: Barbacoa Bucket; pinto, white, cheese, lettuce, sour cream and corn. Carnitas quesadilla.
  • Klaus: Veggie Burrito. Side Note: Klaus normally orders Sofritas (a meat substitute) but didn’t tonight because he felt nauseous on account of all the meat he had to order for us.
RETRACTIONS/CORRECTIONS/APOLOGIES

Dear Dave Towle and Brad Sohner, I’m sorry we flaked on dinner. But as you know these stupid reports don’t write themselves. That said, we’re still interested in discussing your idea for a Manual for Speed Podcast. And as you might expect, we’re very sorry we didn’t get to continue talking about Utah’s platypus breeding loopholes and ideas for various TV Pilots such as, Strap A Shark To It, Can I Spit On It, and Can I Have Some Money?.

QUOTE OF THE DAY
"I don't have stuff that does anything, I just wear things from the J.Crew outlet mall."
-Klaus lamenting his lack of clothing either built or equipped with technical features and benefits.
"I take the labels off things because bad typography bothers me."
-Klaus discussing his OCD-type habit of removing the labels from various household and personal hygiene goods like dish soap and deodorant.
"Who's the Jazz guy who taught his cat how to go to the bathroom on the toilet?"
-Klaus, setting up a poncho joke he was reminded of after seeing a homeless person go by on Broad Street.
"Before that I that had a friggin' poncho."
-Klaus, reminiscing about one of several garments missing post-move.
"I don't control my poop, my poop controls me."
-Emiliano Granado
"You like the Orioles? I pitched for the Orioles in 71."
-Anonymous (Publisher's Note: You didn't get his name??????)
"There's a lot of tall transgender out there today."
-Anonymous [Overheard on Libby Hill]
"Just listen to that tasty basslick!"
-Klaus, talking about the band Weather Report.
"There are six loaded guns you need to know about. There's a loaded gun under my mattress. There's a loaded gun behind the toilet. Etc."
-Anonymous
"Their seafood pasta salad is to die for!"
-A woman on the sidewalk wearing an "Ask Me About Church Hill" shirt and handing out a map to neighborhood shops.
"You mean they don't have their own bathrooms?"
-The same lady, concerned about when and where the racers 'did their business.'
"Get off the track, dude."
-Anonymous Bro commenting to Manual for Speed about how Manual for Speed was standing on the side of the road approximately ten minutes before the race came past.
"They’re sure pumpin’ the music, boy."
-Shuttle Driver Bro talking about the music in the Eritrean Zone. Which Side Note, was, in fact, crackin’.
"Tyler Farrar is on the attack, you know it’s him, you can see that little ponytail under his helmet."
-TV Announcer
"You’re tantric-peaking."
-Klaus discussing his perception of Manual for Speed’s success.
IRace Report

Listen, hand to God, Manual for Speed is coming around. For seriously, it’s happening, we are. Pretty much since the Tour de France and Colorado, we’ve had some time to reflect and check-in with some shit, basically everything. The world. Ourselves. Friends. Family. Our privilege. Et cetera, et cetera. We get it, over the last six months we’ve gone from observation and calculated complaint to some kind of protracted sulk. Enough is enough, cycling is rad, France is cool, fans are neat, corn hole toss isn’t the apocalypse (or is it?), who cares, that’s not the point. The point is we’re pumped & jazzed. And we’re going to prove it but first real quick one pretty critical & super negative thought about obtaining credentials.

 

I could tell you all about how after five years of publishing Manual for Speed we still have to fight and beg and work and do tricks and handjobs for credentials. How it’s rarely if ever a straight-forward thing, and how demoralizing it is to be scrutinized and evaluated and judged ALL DAY LONG by volunteers in Location Hats and Italians with exceptional style. More specifically I could tell you about getting a second bib at Today’s UCI in Richmond. Which bib was a required to properly photograph the race.

 

Or I could ask you, our readers, to watch this video. It’s an hour long. I spent two hours trying to get a bib so you should watch it twice. If you do, if you watch this whole video twice, in solidarity, because you want to know if you can, for endurance-practice, whatever, it doesn’t matter, point is if you watch this video twice we will send you a free kit. Also, no cheating, you have to watch the video and only the video, no multi tasking, no distractions. In fact, listen, if you make it through 20 minutes, write us, tell us about it, we will probably send you something awesome.

 

This video perfectly captures the circular nature of the UCI credential process. Also, it speaks to the absurdity. And the torture. And the desperation. And the insanity. That’s it, I’m done. 1000% positivity from here on out.

IIEight Reasons why my weekend in Richmond was totally awesome
  1. We watched Black Mass at Movieland.
  2. I like all the Starbucks.
  3. Klaus dressing for Sunday School.
  4. Libby Hill.
  5. Ben King, Alex Howes, Dave Roth, Slate Olson, Kristof Ramon, Brakethrough Media, Chris Destefano, the rest of the Rapha crew, Mike Spriggs, Tim Johnson who clowned on my salty hat, Timmy Duggan wearing a Support Our Dudes shirt, and probs like fifteen other people I can’t remember right now.
  6. Peter Sagan’s bike handling skills.
  7. The course.
  8. This race made me like bike racing again. Kinda. I’m fucking with you. I love it. Mostly. But for seriously, this was a good race, I don’t know what it looked like or what it was supposed to look like, or what it was supposed to be like, but I was into it.
AN UNFAIR ADVANTAGE™

Klaus Bellon.

Klaus provides comedic relief at his own expense, and picks-up Chipotle while Emiliano naps and Daniel watches Exodus: Gods and Kings.

IIIToday's Highs & Lows
HIGH POINTS
  • Listening to Richmonders refer to the World Championship race as “The UCI.” For example; “This is the best UCI I’ve ever been to.”

  • Watching the last 45 seconds of Today’s Race on the big screen in the Pits with all the soigneurs and half the field (who had already quit for the day). Watching Peter Sagan downhill Time Trial, from the top tube. Watching the IRL real-time reaction video going on behind me every time he shot through the apex of corner and buzzed-the-fuck out of the barricade on the far side on his way out.

  • Reliving Smegma-Gate with Tim Johnson and Slate Olson.

  • Watching Klaus’s brother Daniel shout “Go Bling!” at Michael Mathews.

  • Watching a heretofore calm/respectful/nice fan go berserk and throw shit at Kristof Ramon because Kristof Ramon was standing on the course and blocking dude’s view.

LOW POINTS
  • A 9:00 AM start.

  • The UCI.

  • Press Shuttle Driver Bros.

  • The smell of the Press Shuttle vehicles.

  • The subtropical swamp-like atmospheric and climatic conditions.

  • Failing to connect Mormon Josh with his White Whale Klaus.

  • Watching a heretofore calm/respectful/nice fan go berserk and throw shit at Kristof Ramon because Kristof Ramon was standing on the course and blocking dude’s view.

IVRichmond Facts
by Klaus
  1. Incorporated in 1742.
  2. Population (Richmond Metro): 1.3 million.
  3. Richmond is within a one-day’s drive of half of the US population.
  4. Climate: Humid subtropical.
  5. Richmond is where canned beer was first made commercially available, in 1935.
  6. Expected impact in visitor spending as a result of the UCI Road World Championships: $158.1 million11Manual for Speed believes this estimate to be grossly overstated.
  7. Estimated number of IRL spectators: 450,000.
  8. Estimated Television spectators: 300 million.
  9. Cost of hosting the world championships to the city of Richmond: $7 million.
  10. Musical acts from Richmond: GWAR, Lamb of God, Avail, Jason Mraz, Municipal Waste, Audra The Rapper, and Pat Benatar.
  11. Richmond is home to six Fortune 500 companies: Dominion Resources, CarMax, Owens & Minor, Genworth Financial, Meadwestvaco, McKesson Medical-Surgical and Altria.
  12. Annual crime statistics according to most recent FBI information: Robbery: 3,652; Property crime: 33,864; Motor vehicle theft: 2,573; Murder: 72.
  13. Sister cities: Richmond-upon-Thames (UK), Saitama (Japan), Windhoek (Namibia), Zhengzhou (China), Seguou (Mali), Uijeongbu (South Korea).
  14. Richmond Rankings: America’s healthiest city (parenting.com, 2010), Top seven cities for trail runners (Trail Runner magazine, 2003), Top ten cities for film makers (MovieMaker, 2011), Top 100 Best Bang-For-The-Buck Cities (Forbes, 2009).
  15. Richmond, VA on Twitter (@CityRichmondVA), 27,000 followers. Sample Tweet: “#RVA City Recognized with Governor’s Technology Award – Open Data Portal won in category of Innovative Use of Open Data”
  16. Google Reviews of Richmond’s Funny Bone comedy club: “Comedians were fairly funny but wait staff and service isn’t good.” “Waitress got our bill wrong.” “Waiter tried to charge me for drinks I did not order.”
  17. Number of Wilsons Leather stores in Richmond, VA: 1.
  18. Amount in the city budget to educate citizens about “poop etiquette”: $24,000.
VWorlds Playlist
Kompiled by Klaus with Komments by Klaus
  1. Weather Report – “Teen Town”: Jaco Pastorius firing on all four cylinders on this one. Are the bass lines and the drums locked in? Yes they are, he’s playing both. The cover of this album features a hat floating over a city, and a storm is a’brewin’ underneath said hat. Need I say more?
  2. Snapcase – “Incarnation”: So what if the one guy is wearing overalls (and looking depressed as a result ) on the back cover of the album? With little musical resources, and unbelievably weak production, this band accomplished so much at a time when hardcore of this ilk was on a fast decline.
  3. Immortal – “Tragedies Blows at Horizon”: By their fifth album, Immortal were clearly more comfortable in their own skin, and began to experiment with textures and musical complexities bordering on prog, which gave greater depth to their otherwise potentially stifling black metal vocabulary.
  4. Steely Dan – “Peg”: Michael McDonald provides background vocals (which are as good as they are humorous), and many know this song merely as having been sampled in De La Soul’s “Eye Know”. But listen closely. Rick Marotta’s hi-hat work alone is a landmark accomplishment in terms of drumming dynamics, as is Chuck Rainey’s playing throughout one of the best songs in an already amazing album.
  5. Wilfrido Vargas – “El Jardinero”: Easily the most iconic merengue song of the 1980s. Period.
  6. Gangstarr – “Above The Clouds”: Guru and DJ Premiere were at their best around this time. Come on, how many hip-hop songs can begin with a rhyme like, “I, Self Lord and Master shall bring disaster to evil factors Demonic chapters, shall be captured by Kings”
  7. Angelcorpse – “Stormgods Unbound”: Greatly under-appreciated at the time of its release, The Inexorable (the album containing this song) accomplished to get the musical points across that Order From Chaos (Pete Helmkamp’s previous band) failed to to deliver upon.
  8. Soda Stereo – “Persiana Americana”: Whenever I’m around someone who is from Argentina, this song comes to mind. So what if the lyrics are fairly creepy?
VIStart
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Yerba mate is a species of holly (Aquifoliaceae). It’s botanical name is Ilex paraguariensis. It’s mostly known as the source of the beverage called mate.
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Winner Andrew Anacona’s name comes from his father’s love of cycling, and two riders in particular, Peter Winnen and Andy Hampsten. His father, however, misspelled Peter Winnen’s name in the birth certificate as “Winner”.
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VIILibby Hill
Part I
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Cropping is the removal of part or all of auricles (external visible flap of the ear) on an animal, most often seen on domesticated dogs.
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VIIIThe Monuments
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General Lee (sometimes referred to as simply "the General"), was a 1969 Dodge Charger, driven by the Duke cousins Bo and Luke; in the television series The Dukes of Hazzard. The General Lee was most often outfitted with B.F. Goodrich Radial tires in its most common sizes, P235/70R14 or P235/70R15.
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General Li is a character in the Disney film Mulan ,voiced by James Shigeta. James Shigeta also appeared in Die Hard, The Love Boat, TJ Hooker and Magnum P.I.
IXThe Trestle Zone
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Triple crossing is believed to be the only place in North America where three Class 1 railroads cross over each other in the same spot. It’s currently operated by CSX Transportation.
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In 2015, Russia's Interior Ministry launched a campaign warning citizens about the dangers of taking selfies, after two men died in the Ural Mountains as a result of pulling the pin from a hand grenade.
XLibby Hill
Part II
A Brief Typology of Libby Hill Crosswalk Crossers
*Imagine a cacophony of volunteer whistles.*
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XI23rd Street
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XIIFinish
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2015 UCI Road Race World Championships SHARE Facebook Twitter
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