2015 USA Pro Challenge: Stage 04
road-racing

2015 USA Pro Challenge: Stage 04

Thursday - August 20, 2015 - Aspen, CO

The music they play for the crowds at bike races is the same music that was used to force Manuel Noriega to capitulate to the CIA.

TABLE OF CONTENTS MFS TEAM
Layer_9
Daniel Wakefield Pasley
Owner/Operator, Photographer, Writer and Publisher
Layer_2
Kyle Von Hoetzendorff
Writer, Editor
Special Guest Rebecca Gates Sound Artist
RACE BIBLE
START

Aspen

FINISH

Breckenridge

DISTANCE

125.9 mi

KOMS

Independence Pass, 19.1 mi (Cat 1); Hoosier Pass, 111.1 mi (Cat 2); Boreas Pass, 123.4 mi (Cat 3)

SPRINTS

Buena Vista, 61.9 mi; Fairplay 99.9 mi

WINNING TIME

5:10:55

TOP 3 FINISHERS
  1. Rohan Dennis, 5:10:55
  2. Brent Bookwatler, +0:00:19
  3. Robbie Squire +0:00:19
TOP 3 GC STANDINGS
  1. Rohan Dennis, 17:24:03
  2. Brent Bookwatler, +0:00:13
  3. Robbie Squire +0:00:26
COURSE DESCRIPTION [OFFICIAL]

This crowd-pleasing stage from 2013 is back for an encore in 2015 as it connects the Pro Challenge’s two most visited towns; Aspen and Breckenridge. Starting off with 20 miles of climbing up Independence Pass is a rude wake up call, but that is just the beginning. The racers still have the climbs of Trout Creek Pass and Hoosier Pass to conquer, while sprints in Buena Vista and Fairplay dot the route to Breckenridge. Once in town one final obstacle stands between the riders and victory, the wall up Moonstone road and the drop down Boreas Pass to the finish line where the always boisterous crowds of Breckenridge await.

MANUAL FOR SPEED BIBLE
TIME OF FILING

11:38 PM

ACCOMMODATION

Alpine Inn

WIFI DETAILS
Undependable. What we are dealing with here are speed pulses. Turtle to Rabbit and back. Yo-Yo style. As you can imagine this is frustrating. Now, I’m no tech guy, but if you were to ask me to identify the range of our WiFi speeds, I would say that we were oscillating between Windows 98 dial-up and 2015 modern, expected American. Unfortunately we spent most of our time in ‘98.
WEATHER
I am pretty sure they filmed The Truman Show in Colorado. Every day is as perfectly pleasant as the last.
NUMBER OF STEPS

Not enough.

TODAY'S OBJECTIVES
  1. Eat something green.✓
  2. Watch Kyle Murphy take the Independence Pass KOM in MFS Artist Residency Karan Singh Socks. ✓
  3. Exercise in some way, shape, or form. X
COURSE DESCRIPTION [UNOFFICIAL]

Did you know that Aspen has the largest concentration of billionaires of any place in the world? The riders started there, in billionaire town. They might have well started in heaven. From billionaire town they went back over Independence Pass; nothing new there except that the House of Pain was gone, leaving nothing but a Potemkin farmers’ market of half-assed revilers. Reports from the field say that they descended the pass then went around some mountains and over a couple more passes before coming into Breckinridge. Anyway Kyle Murphy and Phil Gaimon where in the break most of the day. Soaking up those killer TV time rays.

TODAY'S OBSERVATION #1

The music they play for the crowds at bike races is the same music that was used to force Manuel Noriega to capitulate to the CIA.

TODAY'S OBSERVATION #2

Is it possible to have respect for a cop wearing shorts?

TODAY'S OBSERVATION #3

Man or woman Smokey the Bear is always topless, and that doesn’t seem to ruffle the feathers of America’s conservative. Talk about playing with fire, right?

TODAY'S OBSERVATION #4

If you unknowingly leave your rented Chrysler 200s running while you order, wait, and consume Americanos and pre-made breakfast burritos at Aspen’s “Ink” coffee shop, NO ONE WILL CARE. Even the help’s help in Aspen wouldn’t drive a 200s. The tow truck drivers wouldn’t dare dirty their rigs towing it nor the policeman stoop so low as to ticket it.

TODAY'S OBSERVATION #5

If you go to a tavern and ask for a pilsner, and the waitress tells you that it will take 7 minutes to pour that beer because it’s special or whatever, it’s not. Just order a Coors.

MEAL & FOOD REPORT

I am not going to bore you with breakfast and lunch, they were only notable for their degree of mediocrity. Dinner, however, was a whole other story. On the surface it didn’t look promising. The place was a “tavern” for godsakes, and I’ve seen Pirates of the Caribbean enough times to know that the only thing they serve at taverns is VD. But it turns out taverns in the movies are kinda different from taverns in real life. Or maybe this place was just more of a brew pub or maybe the owner wasn’t clear on the difference—but this certainly felt more like a brew pub and less like a breeding ground for communicable disease. Anywho, we showed up to find our pals Eric and George from Clif Bar breaking bread with celebrity race announcers Dave Towle, Brad Sohner, their driver/handler Ian, and a really nice couple whose names I can’t recall at the moment. To start things off we ordered a couple puddles of melted cheese that we shoveled into our mouths with tortilla chips, I ordered a 7 Minute Pilsner, and we got comfortable by telling a few jokes and sharing some stories. Highlights include Brad’s firsthand account of a bush league Chinese team starting a gang war with UHC and Dave’s dream of establishing America’s first platypus breeding program. From there the night took off and ended with us kicking around a few television show ideas. To top it all off I ordered and ate ahi salad. Green stuff! GREEN STUFF!

RETRACTIONS/CORRECTIONS/APOLOGIES

Manual for Speed has decided to be the bigger man/woman/fluid and accept the apologies of all the men out there who bought True Religion jeans and decided to completely ruin sections of our visual experience by wearing them in our presence.

QUOTE OF THE DAY
"I’m not going to be the guy who drops a baby."
-Brad Sohner
"Artichoke is SO polarizing."
-Anonymous
"Can you hand sanitize my ass?"
-Anonymous
"Usually there are resies."
-Anonymous
"Oh, you want an iced Avalanche with chocolate powder?"
-Anonymous
"Murphy is so new to the team his jersey doesn't fit!"
-Anonymous
"I've risked diseases you have to keep for 10% off."
-Anonymous
IDear Bike Races

We know it’s important to get people “stoked” about the upcoming race. That’s the whole point right? You got your racers on one hand and you got your fans on the other, and you want everyone “stoked” to be there, “stoked” put on a good show, “stoked” to see a good show. So if we can all agree that this point then why do you insist on playing music that does exactly the opposite of “stoke” people out? For example the song “Kryptonite” by 3 Doors Down (don’t click that). This song does not “stoke” people out. This song leaves people feeling empty, defeated, and sad. This song is like hearing that your favorite dog has just died. This song is like audio equivalent of having to watch the trailer for Owen Wilson’s No Escape. After hearing it this morning I had to have two more coffees: one to dig my psyche out of the hole that this song put me in and the other to do the work of the coffee I had before this awful dirge invaded my ears. I know that someone in your group/establishment must like this song, and if you know who they are I urge you to pay special attention to them, you know, keep a watchful eye on their actions. Because they are most likely a sociopath. Seriously though, Jock Jams 2001? Let’s save us all some grief and leave the past in the past, especially if the past in question is a wretched fetid toilet full of sonic garbage.

AN UNFAIR ADVANTAGE™

If you’re a fire-averse bear in a sporty cap you can go topless all the time. Even if you are employed by the government.

IIToday's Highs & Lows
HIGH POINTS
  • The Purple Channels.

  • Driving by the redneck in a lifted white ‘70s Ford truck who was giving the finger to the entire caravan because he was stuck in the middle of a long line of traffic caused by the race.

  • Kyle Murphy taking the day’s first KOM and then riding in the break for most of the stage, all while wearing MFS Karan Singh socks.

  • Having dinner with Clif Bar guys, Dave Towle, and Brad Sohner.

  • Having a few moments with Sweet Pete Morris.

LOW POINTS
  • The Mexican food we ate for lunch.

  • Having only a few moments with Sweet Pete.

IIITop Two TV Pilot Ideas from our Tavern Dinner
  1. Can You Get Me Some Money? Two contestants are challenged with going out into the world and earning a certain amount of money before the other one. For instance: the first round would start with two people going outside to obtain $5 dollars. The first one back wins and advances to the next round in a tournament-style bracket. Each round the amount to be earned goes up, and the eventual winner takes home the grand prize money, which is the sum total of all the money brought in by all the contestants. The more contestants the higher the stakes! Critics are already calling this the nihilistic thrill ride of the coming season.
  2. Strap A Shark To It! This show is more of a visual experience program and it’s all laid out in the name. What happens when you strap a Tiger Shark to a juke box? A Great White to a Volkswagen Beetle? A Mako to a set of Titulus golf clubs? No one knows, but this show aims to find out!
IVToday's Top Dave Towle Quotes

“Kyle's ride today was like going from a farm team to pitching for the Yankees!”Dave Towle
“No matter how hungry you are, only one man licks his plate completely clean.”Dave Towle
“That's like a lion taking down a injured antelope on the Serengeti!”Dave Towle
“How does Rohan Dennis sit down with balls that big?”Dave Towle (Towle would later credit Rob Warner)
“Bookwalter in second place with a smile on his face!”Dave Towle
“He’s flogging him like a rented mule!”Dave Towle
“This is the moment before the clash of the swords as they head into break.”Dave Towle

VAspen

A Brief Pre-Race Conversation with Kyle Murphy

 

Kyle Murphy’s team, Caja Rural Segeuros SRA, is based in Spain and the roster is filled with Spanish-speaking Spaniards, except for Kyle, duh. So today after talking for a bit before the race I said to Kyle, I said, “Suerte.” To which he responded, “Which one is that?” “That’s Luck.” I said.

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VIAlong the Course
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VIIBreckenridge

Facts Courtesy of Wikipedia

 

  1. Country: United States
  2. State: Colorado
  3. County: Summit County (Seat)
  4. Established: November 1859 as Breckinridge
  5. Incorporated: March 3, 1880
  6. Government: Home Rule Municipality
  7. Mayor: John Warner
  8. Area: 5.0 square miles (12.8 square kilometers)
  9. Elevation: 9,600 ft (2,926 m)
  10. Population (2010): 4,540 (910/square mile, 350/square kilometer)
  11. Time Zone: MST/MDT (UTC-7/UTC-6)
  12. ZIP Code: 80424
  13. Area Code: 970
  14. INCITS Place Code: 0808400
  15. GNIS Feature ID: 0204681
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