2015 USA Pro Challenge: Stage 05
road-racing

2015 USA Pro Challenge: Stage 05

Friday - August 21, 2015 - Breckenridge, CO

If you don’t want your picture taken, then don’t come to the race in a costume that screams, “PLEASE TAKE MY PICTURE.”

TABLE OF CONTENTS MFS TEAM
Layer_9
Daniel Wakefield Pasley
Owner/Operator, Photographer, Writer and Publisher
Layer_2
Kyle Von Hoetzendorff
Writer, Editor
Special Guest Rebecca Gates Sound Artist
RACE BIBLE
START

Breckenridge

FINISH

Breckenridge

DISTANCE

13.5 km ITT

KOMS

n/a

SPRINTS

n/a

WINNING TIME

0:18:11

TOP 3 FINISHERS
  1. Rohan Dennis, 0:18:11
  2. Rob Britton, +0:00:27
  3. Brent Bookwalter, +0:00:31
  4. Daniel Eaton, +0:00:38 (!!!!!)
TOP 3 GC STANDINGS
  1. Rohan Dennis, 17:42:14
  2. Brent Bookwalter, +0:00:44
  3. Rob Britton, +0:01:31
COURSE DESCRIPTION [OFFICIAL]

Completely new for 2015, the Breckenridge Time Trial will test all of a rider’s skills and will produce a truly worthy winner. The 8.5 mile time trial starts out flat for the pure time trialists. Then it’s back onto the climb up Moonstone road, still fresh in the pain file from the day before, for a test of climbing skills. Finally, the race could be won or lost going downhill this day, as racers will push the limits on the Boreas Pass descent to shave seconds off their time. Whoever wins will certainly be a racer who can hammer the flats, dance up the climbs, and carve down the descents.

MANUAL FOR SPEED BIBLE
TIME OF FILING

11:33 PM

ACCOMMODATION

Comfort Inn

WIFI DETAILS
This is getting a little old, guys. Sure, just the other day I said I could put up with your inconsistencies for at least another few years, but I lied to myself, and I lied to you. I can’t, you need to figure this out. You need to be better. Here’s the way I see it: if you advertise that you have WiFi in your hotel rooms, then your hotel should have WiFi—and everything that society has come to associate with the idea of WiFi—in your hotel rooms. You can’t just have the “signal.” You need to have all the bits that go with it... like the internet. What you are doing is like advertising that you have a radio station and then only broadcasting static. Great for experimental post-noise listeners, but kind of a bait switch for most of us. And that’s what I feel like we have been getting here guys, a bait and switch. My ‘pute shows full signal, the little auditorium sign indicates a full house, but there’s no show, nada. Nothing behind the curtain. You have to do better.
WEATHER
Today was the Time Trial, this is the day the riders roll to the start line on high-tech bikes built for cheating the wind. Well today the wind had enough. Today the wind wouldn’t be cheated. The wind was especially spiteful during the women’s race. Pop-up tents were lifted like kites, hats carried like autumn leaves, and these high tech bikes, these wind tunnel tested future machines? Well let’s just say that they were bullied by the wind. Other than that it was sunny, pleasant, and a lot like the previous four days.
NUMBER OF STEPS

10623 or 5.1 miles

TODAY'S OBJECTIVES
  1. Sleep in. ✓
  2. Photograph the bike race. ✓
  3. Take notes on the bike race. ✓
  4. Get excited about something, anything. X
COURSE DESCRIPTION [UNOFFICIAL]

I called it a circle. Daniel called it a lollipop. Technically, Daniel is more right. But before you judge me too harshly, just know that when I said the course was a circle I was just saying that it started and stopped at the same place (maybe a “loop”?—ed). Abstraction, you know, the essence of the thing? If I am going to be honest, I missed the point, this is definitely a lollipop deal, but definitely not the lollipop IDEAL. The course looks more like a tumor on a stick, or a wad of gum on a toothpick; it is the Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtle of lollipops. Also there was this really steep hill the guys and gals had to ride their wind-cheating bikes up, although, judging from the looks on their faces, they might have been better off today if they had ridden their hill-cheating bikes. The hill was also the location of today’s House of Pain, and being within such close proximity to Breckenridge the Dare Wear Convention was in full swing. Even that horned helmet guy was there doing wind sprint after wind sprint up the hill next to the riders. Talk about a pitch perfect storm of Pain & Bullshit.

TODAY'S OBSERVATION #1

Every shop, cafe, grocery store, car tire service center, dental office, shoeshine stand, taco cart, every single commercial address in Colorado, any place that is selling anything, also has a Cornhole Toss set.

TODAY'S OBSERVATION #2

The game of Cornhole Toss, is that where we have come to as a society?

TODAY'S OBSERVATION #3

People just love to hand out free, unsolicited advice. You didn’t ask, you didn’t make even the slightest inclination that you needed it, and yet they give it to you. Not only that, but almost every single time, it is totally unhelpful. Just more competing information battling for space with those precious few good moments you try with all your might to hold on to.

TODAY'S OBSERVATION #4

Downtown Breckenridge is a fantastic representation of the mid-life crisis, gentleman cowboy, theme park, post-modernist architectural movement.

TODAY'S OBSERVATION #5

Because Dave Towle and Brad Sohner were both ruling the mic at the finish, the USA Pro Challenge hired a guy off the street to read the names of the up-coming riders. From what MFS can gather, whoever hired him must have been impressed by oversized dress shirts. This guy was wearing a doozie.

MEAL & FOOD REPORT

We started and ended the day at the B/B- Whole Foods. For lunch we had coffee. In the morning the Frisco Whole Foods was out of chocolate croissants. They had these miniature facsimile chocolate croissants, but instead of being made with butter they were made with chalk. Daniel downgraded this Whole Food’s ranking to a C.

RETRACTIONS/CORRECTIONS/APOLOGIES

Manual for Speed will have to retract our generous ranking of a B/B- given to the Frisco Whole Foods and replace it with a still generous ranking of C.

QUOTE OF THE DAY
"I don't like to kickflip in my FlyKnits."
-DWP
"That's not a parking spot. People don't park here like they do in Indiana."
-This was from some prick in a huge black Chevy truck reprimanding a guy pulled up to the curb of the Whole Foods. The guy was sitting behind the wheel of his car. Team MFS’s official statement to the man in the car: “That guy is a dick.” To which he said, “Yeah, I’m just waiting for my wife, she just ran in.”
"Careful this is a danger zone...they'll chop your toes off."
-House of Pain Anonymous
"They told us full kit is too sexual, but our boobs aren't even out!"
-HoP Anonymous
"You can't even see my banana that close."
-HoP Anonymous
"That’s the big basketball guy who loves the Grateful Dead."
-HoP Anonymous
"That's what happens when you have too much money and not enough attention."
-HoP Anonymous
"They only live to get radical."
-HoP Anonymous
IDear MFS Readers

If you don’t want your picture taken, then don’t come to the race in a costume that screams, “PLEASE TAKE MY PICTURE!” Don’t wear a bright orange sun hat or a green, red, and yellow Body Glove cycling t-shirt. Don’t carry your little cartoon dog in your arms. Don’t have a salt and pepper goatee. Don’t wear Blue Blockers. And, whatever you do, don’t stand right up against the barriers cheering for the riders. Because if you do all of these things, or even just a couple of these things, or really any of them at all, we’re going to think you want your picture taken. You have all the trappings for a potentially great photograph, an aura of the mysterious, a dash of the mundane, and a heaping helping of sincerity.

 

Please, if you don’t want your picture taken, all you have to do is to just ask us to take your photo.

AN UNFAIR ADVANTAGE™

Having a blue lobster bib with the word “PHOTO” printed on it. This lobster bib gets you rides up and down the course, entry into exclusive clubs, and fans of all stripes and costuming will covet your attention.

IIToday's Highs & Lows
HIGH POINTS
  • Rolling through the whole day on our Micro Scooters. Scootin’ here, scootin’ there, scootin’ everywhere.

  • Chatting with Axel Merckx and Nick Schuley from Axeon about Bo Jackson. (Dear Readers, if you have Netflix, you have Netflix right?, go watch You Don’t Know Bo.)

  • Sleeping in.

LOW POINTS
  • Not buying the Homeland Security T-shirt with all the gnomes and hobbits on it from Space Cowboy.

  • Dropping my iPhone and cracking my screen. (This is a public note for KVH from KEB: I dropped my phone the other day too, it left a crack in the glass approximately half an inch long and not even over the actual display, just over the bezel, which is fine right? but it broke the digitizer so even though the screen works fine I can’t tap the top third of the phone, rendering it essentially useless.)

  • The House of Pain.

  • Waking up.

IIIAdjectives for Describing the Way Leaves of Aspen Trees Move in the Wind

Twinkle

Shiver

Blink

Wink

Wave

Sparkle

Cheer

Dance

Shimmy

Flap

Bubble

Laugh

IVToday's Playlist
VBreckenridge

Since we learned the census type facts about Breckenridge yesterday, today we bring you some other bits of information about “Breck.”

 

WARNING: Before reading, please note that these facts will also compete against your precious memories for space in your mind.

 

  1. In the movie Christmas Vacation, Chevy Chase takes a sled ride into the Wal-Mart parking lot. The scene was filmed on Breckenridge’s Four O’Clock run; at 3.5 miles, it’s the resort’s longest trail.
  2. Dumb and Dumber was also filmed at Breckenridge. A-Chair was the location for the scene when Harry’s tongue gets stuck on the chairlift.
  3. When the town was originally founded, it was spelled BreckINridge in honor of the Vice President at the time. (The people in town were angling to use this “honor” to get a local Post Office…and it worked.) Two years later that Vice President took sides with the Confederate Army when the Civil War broke out. The townspeople didn’t like this so they changed the spelling to BreckENridge.
  4. Breckenridge was inadvertently left off a U.S. map in the mid-1800s and became known as “Colorado’s Kingdom”. The mistake was NOT discovered or corrected until 50 years later. (Every summer the town celebrates this unique part of its past with the Kingdom Days celebration.)
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Daniel: “Hey can I ask you a personal question? I don't want to upset you, but is your team bus a moving van.” Kyle Murphy “LOL!”
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VIThe House of Pain
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Did you know? Eighteen Pro Tour riders have graduated from Axeon Cycling.
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VIIBreckenridge
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