2014 USA Pro Challenge: Stage 05
road-racing

2014 USA Pro Challenge: Stage 05

Friday - August 22, 2014 - Woodland Park

Ian​ and I, along with Ian's girlfriend Alyssa, drive the course ahead of the rolling enclosure. Driving the course ahead of the rolling enclosure is NEXT LEVEL boring.

RACE BIBLE
Distance
104 mi / 167 km
Sprints
Fairplay
KOMs
Hoosier Pass, Boreas Pass
Finish
Breckenridge
IStart Area Notes

Dave Towle Said These Two Things, Among Many Other Things

“What happens is they start climbing like bananas and they forget there's no air at this elevation, and air is what keeps these guys in business.”Dave Towle “It's got to be a little disconcerting when you look up and see just a bare mountain and no trees; you ' ve got to think, wow, we're so high up even the trees cant handle the lack of oxygen and they ' re not even racing!!! All trees have to do is stand around in one spot —but not T ommy D , T ommy D can ' t afford to be caught standing around today!!!!”Dave Towle

Official USA Pro Challenge Stage 05 Start Line PA Playlist

IIStage 05 Report

Emiliano is on a motorcycle. Ian​ and I, along with Ian’s girlfriend Alyssa, drive the course ahead of the rolling enclosure. Driving the course ahead of the rolling enclosure is NEXT LEVEL boring. You’re so far ahead of the race nothing happens, at all, except for of course the normal everyday-types of things that mountains and rivers and and high-altitude plateaus do, which is normally so intrinsically beautiful and spectacular it’s enough that they’re simply there, like they don’t need to “do” anything right, except simply exist, but today the weather sucked and it was just kinda grey and cloudy and flat, and light-misting, so like the mountains were just kinda bla bla bla bla bla, and like I said when you’re THAT FAR ahead of the race, even on the best of days in the best of weather not much is happening, and on a day like today, which day sucked weather & photo-light-wise, it was a lot like just kinda driving somewhere, you know to like get somewhere. Like, “traveling.”

 

A Brief List of Highlights on My Trip to Breckenridge

 

  1. Organizing an interview with Dave Towle, from scratch, via text message, using intermittent service including but not limited to these providers/service types; AT&T 4G, AT&T 3G, OFF NETWORK, AT&T E, OO418-90, etc.
  2. A breakfast burrito from the Jefferson Market in Jefferson, Colorado. The proprietress was hard-selling her homemade green chile sauce with which she wanted to smother my burrito, she said her green chile-smothered breakfast burrito is the best around! I told her I couldn’t because I needed to eat the burrito in the back seat of a car. Then I asked if I could add bacon, and she said yeah, you can add bacon.
  3. The ​Motherlode​ ​B​o​utique in ​B​uckskin ​G​ulch​​ is just east​ of ​Mosquito ​Gulch. Are there two different gulches or is it one gulch that changes names​?​
  4. Hoosier Pass was mostly a bust on account of the weather and the lack of spectators, which lack of spectators likely had to do with the weather, which like I said sucked, and the Colorado Police, who like we’ve said are the biggest dicks IN THE WORLD, but I did pee on a bush on the side of the road. And because it was raining and 45 degrees​ my pee steamed, a lot. So, that happened.

 

In Breckenridge we parked in the Media area. “The number of times I've used the word 'hate' today: 87 .”Speaking of sleep deprivation, I’m beginning to hate consciousness. ​I’m​ so bored of me and my brain and my thoughts, ​it’s like my brain is that dude at a party who follows you around and talks ​AT​ you​ about stupid shit like yoga​,​ and ​so ​you keep handing him off to your friends but he keeps finding you, and talking to you​ ​about yoga​ some more, only in this case it’s my brain which is in my head and so I can’t just ditch it, not easily at least. Sometimes I wear a bandanna around my neck, when I’m bored or cold I pull it up over my mouth, bank robber-style. Maybe that’s why some dude at the finish shouted “Hey, Unabomber!!!” at me from across the street. We are staying at a Holiday Inn in Vail tonight. In the lobby there is sign that reads “50% off” in front of a sushi restaurant​, because half of-off sushi in a Holiday Inn​ a thousand miles from the ocean on a mountain makes sense.

 

​With the help of Team CLIF Bar (thanks Dylan, thanks Eric!!!) Manual for Speed was able to track down Dave Towle’s phone number. We sent him a text, he texted us back. Then he called us and we talked for about thirty minutes about World Tour Racing, American Criteriums, Human Athletes vs. Robot Athletes, and the unparalleled service he provides to literally billions of race fans every day. We also discussed the Art & Science of building, maintaining and keeping The Stoke by any means necessary, including the widespread, systematic use of superlatives and hyperbole. Sure he says some crazy shit and definitely the dude can be bombastic and cliché but whatever, he keeps the crowds excited and informed and he’s straight-up entertaining as in funny and ridiculous. So like, booyah son!!! Bring The Noise!!!!! Oh yeah, we also talked to him about sharing his favorite go-to expressions with Manual for Speed via a voicemail. Which he did.

A Brief Typology of Signs in Downtown Breckenridge
Every business in Breckenridge seems to have some sort of bespoke/artisanal/stylistic sign. Here is a small collection of those signs..
01 Breckenridge Valleygirl Botique
02 129 South Activewear: A Shirt Off My Back Store
03 Breck Sports
04 Rounds Porter Coldwell Banker Real Estate
05 Mountain VIBE
06 Slopeside Cowboy
07 Clint's Coffee House & Bakery
08 Breckenridge Welcome Center
09 Breckenridge Distillery
10 Breck Kidz Childrens Clothing and Toys

Dave Towle’s Ten Best Jammers Left on the MFS Voicemail

 

  1. “We used to call this place Breckenridge, Colorado but now I’d like to welcome you to downtown Pain City!”
  2. “He’s been in the bank, he’s got the money, and now he’s hightailing it out of town in the get away car!”
  3. “Right now, ___________ looks like a cocktail napkin with an outboard motor attached!”
  4. “He’s flogging himself like a rented mule that’s due back at four o’clock!”
  5. “Right now this group is cooperating like the Donner Party in its final days!”
  6. “Get ready for some old school fury!”
  7. “He has a look in his eye like the tiger that attacked Siegfried and Roy!”
  8. “He’s got his foot on the throat of this bike race right now!”
  9. “With that effort he just jammed the power grid here in town!”
  10. “He’s coming down that descent right now like a rocket ship on rails!”
  11. ​BONUS BONUS BONUS BONUS “​It’s on like Donkey Kong™!”
IIIPre-Race
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IVWoodland Park to Hoosier Pass
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VHoosier Pass Crowds
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VIHoosier Pass to Breckenridge
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VII#Hottubin' in East Vail with The FEED
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