2015 USA Cycling Cyclocross Nationals – Part I

2015 USA Cycling Cyclocross Nationals – Part I

Monday - January 12, 2015 - Austin, TX

Cross on the Sabbath.

Monday, 12 January 2015
Zilker Park, Austin, TX
40 min
Start Time
3:20 PM
End Time
4:00 PM
Course Length
Cloud 69° Blah blah
ICross on the Sabbath

Cross races, the big, important ones happen on The Seventh Day, the same The Seventh Day that the monotheistic big three have traditionally kept as a day of rest—and you have got to respect it!  At times this big old capitalist machine that we are riding on demands that instead of using our day of rest for contemplation, we go out with our image recording devices, shades, and our FlyKnits and capture the rude and often blasphemous antics of cycling festivals. But when push comes to shove, MFS will always choose to honor rest.


Texas is known for big things, big hats, big belt buckles, big horns on the front of big convertible Cadillacs and big FAITH. Taking into account the degree of faith in this venerable state, it is obvious to our experts here at the MFS Center for Research in cooperation with our research associates from the Center for New American Featly, that the shutdown of last weekend’s race wasn’t about a few roots from a couple old trees being exposed. These tree roots have been around for decades, even centuries. These are roots that have survived Comanches, Texas Rangers, and hordes of Stevie Ray Vaughn fans. One could say that these roots are at the root of keeping Austin Weird. Roots this formidable repel cycling intruders like an NRA placard in a front lawn repels thieves, that is to say these roots aren’t going nowhere. “On Sunday the cross belongs to Jesus not bikes!”Something else is going on, and these roots were the patsies; pawns in the employ of a higher order. Is the debatable well-being of a few roots reason enough to completely shut down a highly touted, well attended, and much beloved national cycling festival tournament? Rumors about the festival’s shut down were rampant and the crowd was buzzing with speculation.


  • “I heard that the CIA is involved, something to do with oil prices and alternative transportation.”
  • “I will lay down in the cold mud and let someone whip me with an 11spd chain if it will help to get this race started.”
  • “My dad’s brother’s work-friend’s daughter said that this morning she went to Sunday school and their rec. pool was filled with blood.”
  • “Oh shit! Is that John Watson?”


Science tells us something deeper and more fundamental caused the unscheduled shutdown of Sunday’s spectacle finale. A quick internet survey discloses answers that quickly lead us to the truth. Texas has over 6.5 million evangelical churches—that is a lot of faith—and this number indicates an overwhelming amount of fervent believers in the true meaning of The Seventh Day rest. Is it not reasonable to believe that Sunday’s shut down wasn’t simply an act of nature but an act of GOD? That these torrential rains weren’t caused by some butterfly in Papua New Guinea flapping when it should have fluttered, but by a higher power, a cosmic will?


With the festival cancelled, attendees became de facto supplicants, would-be acolytes, unaware that a graceful hand was guiding them towards the one, true Cross. Faith now had a captured audience; racers and their support people, industry insiders, media, and fans from across the country were in town with nothing but time on their hands and resting to do. They would now be able to use Sunday, The Seventh Day, as it was originally intended, as a day of rest and relaxation. With so many places of worship beckoning to the lost with open arms, it is without a doubt that there were a great number of racers who found themselves competing on Monday for a higher sponsor.


Think about it, just as it was with Noah and his ark, the rains came down, and just like they did for Noah, the rains cleansed away all the non-believers, knaves and naysayers who were not committed to the true Cross. These apostates, agnostics, and atheists were washed away, forced to climb aboard their sky chariots and mount their horseless carriages, and answer to the false prophets of email, shop hours, and deadlines. Only the true believers were left, those who put down their false Cross were repaid with the opportunity to line up on Monday morning and race for a glory that was not their own, in a state of grace, over roots that would not be harmed.

IIElite Women – Pre-Race
The first US patent for a polyethylene plastic portable restroom was issued in the 1950s to Harvey Heather who was the founder of JW Enterprises. One testimonial from Russell B, Ventura County, in the JW Enterprises website says the following: “I know full well that this company will deliver on-time, exactly to their estimate. You will be glad of their hire, I assure you.”
"Throwing Fruit" is a company that was "founded by tech-savvy artists who believed it was time to find a better way to distribute content."
Wilsons Leather is a US-based leather retailer, with locations at malls throughout the country. In 2002, the Minneapolis retailer had 763 stores in 46 states and Canada.
Most people are well aware that Davenport, Iowa is the half way point between Chicago and Des Moines. But more importantly, it was there that Otto Frederick Rohwedder invented the first loaf-at-a-time bread-slicing machine in 1912. Nothing worthwhile has happened since.
According to the Urban Dictionary, a "tommaso" is: A funny good-hearted ladies' man who will break your neck in a second if you talk bad about his family.
"Brachymetatarsia" is the medical term for toe shortening or lengthening surgery.
IIIElite Women Race
Sally Jessy Raphael (real name Sally Lowenthal) was born in Easton, Pennsylvania, in 1935.
Lyrics to the song "Poem 58" by the band Chicago:

The way you talk, the things you've done
Make me wish I was the only one
Who could ever have made you laugh now?
Who could have made you, made you want to cry?

To have been there, the day
You first whispered, "I love you"
Yes, I love you
When you discovered all those new things
And when you first, first met the world
When you felt beautiful and you said 'Hello'
To everything you saw if I could have been all

So I could have known you all those times
I love you, yes, I love you
Yes I do, yeah
Richard Sachs attended the Peddie School (class of 1971), a college preparatory school in Hightstown, New Jersey. Other notable alumni include: Chingo Bling, Mexican-American rapper and record executive, and Chris Tomson, drummer of the band Vampire Weekend.
Animal print is a clothing and fashion style in which the garment is made to resemble the pattern of the skin and fur of an animal such as a Leopard, Cheetah, Zebra, Tiger, Spotted Hyena, Striped Hyena, African Wild Dog, Giraffe or monkey.
The Society of the Spectacle is a work of philosophy and Marxist critical theory by Guy Debord that was first published in 1967 in France.
Greg Sweney from @motofishimages specifically asked us not to publish this photo. Sorry Greg. #techsecretsofthepros
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