This race is the only Classic that climbs. It climbs a lot. It climbs over and over and over again. It climbs like a professional boxer punches. Like a cobble cobbles. We don’t know what to call that, those kinds of climbs that come one after another, all at once in a group. The best we can do at the moment is call them “dick punches.” If your whole race is a series of Dick Punches your race is better because:
- DPs are hills and hills (côtes, cols, murs—it’s hard to keep up with what’s what, someone needs to do a chart11That kiiiiiiinda sounds like something we would do.—ed) are fun to spectate on or near. In particular short but steep hills are great for congregations and crowds.
- DPs shatter a race. Shattering is cool to watch.
- DPS are intrinsically neat because they’re scenic and topographically enhanced.
The above two dimensional diagram illustrates:
- The negative feelings and sensations associated with repeated successive steep climbs over a prolonged period of time and distance.
- How, while the negative feelings and sensations associated with repeated successive steep climbs over a prolonged period of time and distance may be many and varied in nature and character—exhaustion, lactic acid build-up, tunnel vision, hangry-ness, pedal-produced despondency, fugue states, free floating disenchantment, cardiac arrest, shortness of breath, attrition, boredom, intense pain in the legs and lungs and mouth and brain—they all share a common quality, that of being punched in the groin.
Steve Hockett, Manual for Speed’s resident Physicist, has a BA in Physicism and Art from Leeds University. He currently lives in Hebden Bridge, Yorkshire, UFO Triangle UK.